I Love To See the Temple....

So I've mentioned previously that since Britt passed away the kids and I go walk the Temple grounds each Sunday. Typically we go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple since that's where Britt and I were married and the kids absolutely love it there. I usually like to take my time walking around the Temple just to enjoy it for as long as I can, but lately the kids seem to think it's a race to see how quickly we can get around it and back to the car. It's incredible that the kids find something new about the Temple architecture to be amazed about each week we go. Boston LOVES Angel Moroni at the top of the Temple and the girls love the colors in the window glass and the fact that the windows look like they have holes in them. But every week we are there they seem to find something new to be fascinated with. This week it was the fact that one of the benches around the back side (East side) of the Temple was made lower for 'little' people like them so now their feet could touch the ground when they sit there. We took a few pictures of our visit today. As always the kids and I love the feeling of being there at the Temple. We definately feel closer to Britt when we are.

The Big 30!

Last Wednesday I turned 30. I've never been a big birthday person so I wasn't dreading what everyone seems to consider the dreaded age. I had no idea, but for the last several months Britt had been planning activities to do throughout the whole week for me. Luckily I have 2 great mom's and three great kids that made sure her plans went through.

I got to work early Wednesday morning to find my office space completely decorated...at first I thought it was some of my co-workers then I saw the big sign the girls had made me. It was definately a nice thing to see as I got into work as I was especially missing Britt that morning.

When I woke up that morning I was praying for a little extra strength to get through day. I've had Britt with me on my birthday the last 11 years and I wasn't anxious to have this one without her. My prayers were answered though and I enjoyed a peace and calmness I haven't had since Britt passed away. It stayed with me all day and through the night. That evening I had the pleasure of attending my first parent teacher conferences...Britt always did this before. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

The rest of the week, every night when I would get home there would be a new surprise waiting for me that was '30' of something...licorice, blank cd's, bags of pretzles, etc....The kids really had fun doing this all week and it made me feel really good.

Saturday morning Kaleb and Kat were over in the neighborhood to run a 5k. Afterwards Kaleb asked if I wanted to go hit softballs that afternoon. I'm always up for that so I said yes. As I was waiting for him to come pick me up I went to check the mail and there was a manila envelope in the mailbox from the Utah Department of Health. I knew right away what it was...I had an STD and they were writing to inform me. No, not really...it was Britt's death certificate. Talk about a slap in the face when I saw that...thanks to the state of Utah for making it official. LuckilyKaleb got there a short time after that and we were off to the fields...little did I know I was being setup. We get to the fields and I'm looking out and I said to Kaleb, "what the heck is your dad doing out there," he turned and said "happy surprise birthday party." Then I looked and noticed the whole family was out there. Talk about a great surprise. They had a wiffle ball party planned and it was great. I felt a huge emptiness as I walked out there from the car though...I just kept thinking Britt should really be out here with us. I think she may have been around...but it was such a perfect day that I really missed having her out there to laugh with us all. Here are some of the pictures from the party....

Before Brynn bats she adjusts her cup.

You just know this one is going yard....

Little did I know these last several months up through her last days Britt had been working on a picture book for me that the kids gave me. It was pretty emotional for me to open the book up and see all she had been doing.

And what would a birthday party be without a bunch of white kids hitting a baseball shaped pinata...


Monday night the softball team I play on with Kaleb and Wes continued our tournament play. We were down by 7 runs going into the bottom of the 7th inning. We came within one run when I came to the plate with runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs....seriously...I have never been up to bat with the chance to win the game. As I walked up to the plate I was praying for a hit...first pitch I got I put right into centerfield scoring the two runners to win the game. It was such a fantastic high for me. I had a hard time not looking over at the bleachers full of our fans afterwards...I didn't want to look over and not see Britt cheering over there. She would have been so proud though. The blurry picture below was my big moment....Thanks to all my family for helping me have a great birthday week. It was great to have everyone come out Saturday for some wiffle ball fun. Thanks to both of my moms for all their hard work in helping my kids carry out Britt's plans. And thanks to my love Britt, who even through her sickness wanted to plan a fun 30th birthday for me. Sorry you couldn't be here for it to see all your plans through, but I have a feeling you probably weren't far off.

Has it Really Been a Month?

It's been a month since Brittney passed away. In some ways I seems like it was just yesterday that we were all gathered around the bed as she passed on, and in other ways it seems like it happened so long ago. The kids and I are starting to settle into somewhat of a routine each day. I don't think it's getting easier at all yet for us but I think we're starting to accept it better and the realness of it is starting to set in.

Unfortunately as life without Britt is becoming more of a reality for the kids and I, the loneliness of not having her here each day sets in a little more. Britt always loved to cuddle in the cold months of Fall and Winter. As it's gotten colder lately I've really missed that feeling of her snuggling up to me to keep warm. It's a lot of little things that really make me miss her. I can deal with not having her here for the Holidays (I hope), or vacations and things like that...Right now it's hard to deal with missing all of those little things. I keep hearing it will get better with time and I suppose some things will but I don't think I'll ever adjust to not having her here.

The kids have been a huge source of strength to me, especially lately. They believe with no hesitation that Britt is always somewhere close to us. Since she passed away we've started going to a Temple on Sunday afternoon and walking around the Temple grounds to feel close to Britt. The kids absolutely love being on the Temple grounds on these quiet Sunday afternoons. They are convinced Britt walks with us and I would like to think so as well. Our kids mirror Britt in so many ways. Anyone who knows my kids know how special they are. I'm so blessed to have them here with me still on this earth. Everyday I see them I'm assured that I'll get through these days no matter how hard they seem.

One thing I'll especially miss this October is Britt watching the playoffs with me. Every October since she was diagnosed with Cancer we've watched the Red Sox in the post season together. She never cared a whole lot about the game but she always did it because she knew how much I enjoyed it and how much I loved when she would sit down and watch a game with me. Last night was the first game of the playoffs, and no offense to my pal Jon who watched the game with me, but I definately felt the void of not having Britt there next to me to watch the Sox play. It's those little things that make us so happy. Good thing I still have 3 other little things that continue to make me happy......my kids. I love you Britt. I hope the weather is warmer where you are.

Until We Meet Again.....

I've debated for the last few weeks on what to do with Britt's blog. Today as I was reading the Ensign I came across an article on using these blogs to share church experiences and share the Gospel with others. So, I decided I'd pick up where Britt left off...

First, for those who may not have heard, Brittney passed away on September 9th. Kaleb wrote an amazing tribute to Brittney that can be read here: http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=423832&fh_id=10812&s_id=9996C95F53181221C9A02FAD66637A38

For the last year and a half we've known Brittney would be leaving us before we were ready for her to go. I've spent hours and hours each day during that time imagining what life would be like without her. I never could have imagined it would be this hard to live without her. In the months leading up to her death, the cancer had taken such a brutal toll on her both mentally and physically. The hardest part for me was to feel so helpless all the nights she cried out in pain from her tumors. That Brittney, the Brittney who's quality of life had deteriorated so much, that was the Brittney I was able to let go almost three weeks ago. But as I sit and look at old photos of Britt and read journal entries of hers from days when life was so good and seemed endless, that's the Brittney that I'm having a very difficult time being without.

It's difficult to imagine something more important on the other side of the veil than raising three beautiful children here on earth but I have faith that Brittney was called Home for a truly divine calling. Since her passing I have received emails, cards, phone calls, etc...expressing how deeply Brittney has touched the lives of those around her. I think a good part of Brittney's mission on this earth was to touch those around her that no one else could. I know many years ago I was one of those people.

I can't express in words how much I miss and love my eternal companion Brittney. Some days the grief seems so overwhelming without her here with me. However, I do know Brittney is always close. On many occassions lately, when I've felt I can't go on I have felt her lift me up. I know she's there. I have seen her strength in my three children as we've tried adjusting to life without her. It's difficult not to be able to share the joys of raising our children together. It's difficult not to wake up with her in the mornings and give her a kiss before I leave for work. But as difficult as life seems right now I Know I'll be with her again someday. No thought makes me more happy than to look forward to when I will get to embrace her again and know she is cancer free. I miss Britt every second of every day, and I will do so the rest of my life. But I take such comfort in knowing that my time without her is short. I know because of the Temple we will be together again, and how happy that time will be because we'll never be apart again.

It's a very humbling task to know I've been entrusted with the duty of raising my three children without Brittney here physically. But I know Britt's influence will be just as strong in Harmony, Brynn and Boston's lives as it was when she was here on this earth. As most people around us have come to know we have an amazing support system of family, friends and neighbors. Britt made sure I had this support system in place before she left...she wanted to make sure I wouldn't screw these kids up too bad. In the nearly three weeks since Brittney passed away I have seen a change not only in my life but in my children's lives and the lives of those family members around me. That change has come because of the Christlike example Brittney was throughout her entire life.

I know the work Brittney is doing now is so important. It's difficult to understand it being more important than being with us, but that's mostly just me being selfish. I know Britt is never very far away from us. She left a legacy behind that ranks up there with some of the greatest people who have ever walked this earth. I know no one would argue with that. I miss you Brittney, I love you and I can't wait to see you again. -Love you forever!

March, April, May... Can it Seriously be June?

Well, it has been forever since the blog was updated. So here is the whole low down of March... We girls and Boston went to my mom's to hang out. "The boys" went on their yearly trip to Arizona to watch the MLB spring training games. All of the kids had a blast playing in the beautiful weather at Grandma's. We girls enjoyed the quite house while they were out playing.

April started with me getting sick and all of us thinking it was just a bug and would take a few to get rid of. Instead I ended up at an appointment (at the end of April) and they admitted me to the hospital immediately . My scans were showing fluid all around my heart. They also showed a new spot in my lung. I had been on a trial study which seemed to be going good but with the new spot I will no longer be able to take the trial medicine. I was immediately put in the cardiac lab to drain the fluid in my heart. They drained 9 fl0z almost 1 liter from just my heart. I felt much better right after but I had to stay a couple of days to be watched. Instead I started filling up again and couldn't breath. They took me back in and drained 750 fl oz and then the nurses returned and removed 250 fl oz more that evening. They decided surgery needed to happen ASAP which was scheduled for Saturday which is very abnormal but they wanted it done. That was on Thursday and on Friday my stomach blew up because my kidney and liver weren't working I put on an extreme amount of weight. The kids were asking why I was SO FAT! They took me down and drained my stomach and removed almost five lbs of fluid. Then Saturday morning I was in surgery. They ended up doing a new procedure by putting a drain in my sack around my heart to try and keep it drained. The tube comes out of my stomach and we are supposed to keep it empty. So far the pump seems to be doing its job and if it continues to go good they will pull out the tube. I got home from the hospital and started chemo right up. I was extremely loopy and sick for the first round.

I was sick through Easter but made the most of it. The kids loved coloring Easter eggs and had three egg hunts this year. They got more then enough candy.

I made it through Mother's Day weekend which was an answer to my prayers. (I was really sick and in a lot of pain.) We were able to attend Race for a Cure for the fourth year. Every year more of my family has joined us in the race. This year Leah, Candace, Mike, and their kids joined us along with Denise and Nicole. It was hard on me not being able to walk this year. I hate having to be in a wheelchair but I made it. Thank you to all of my family for coming out and supporting me. We had a great walk and then went to Jim's Family Restaurant for breakfast. During my break from chemo I still struggled with side affects.


Brynn finished preschool and can't wait for kindergarten. Harmony finished the first grade and is excited to move on but will miss her teacher so much. She has had a wonderful positive year. On the last day of school the neighborhood had a big party at the park with food and water fun. The kids loved it! They are loving being outside nonstop. Always wanting to ride their bikes or be in the sprinklers. Steven is still watching his Red Sox play every chance he gets. I am still just hanging in there. I have just started my second round of this chemo and so far so good. Hopefully it will stay this way. My hair is gone AGAIN! Steven and the kids shaved it. When Boston was taking his turn he got a big smile on his face and said, "mom a boy" and then just started giggling. After I was done Boston cut his hair. If you ask him who he cut his hair like he will quickly tell you "my mom". This has been an extremely long blog but for all of you complaining I haven't updated hopefully this helps. Have a great day!

Harmony's Birthday and Arizona

I wasn't sure we were going to make it to Arizona with Steven and Brynn both sick but luckily their antibiotics kicked in and we where able to head down for my brother's wedding. It was a long drive but caravaning with three other cars made it interesting to say the least and the kids did great. It was Harmony's birthday the day we arrived so we went to Golfland to celebrate. We miniature golfed, played arcades, and ate pizza. I think Harmony had a good time she hadn't been too excited about being somewhere else on her birthday. The next day was the wedding. It was great to be there together as a family in the Mesa temple. My grandparents also came down and my grandpa performed the sealing. Wes and Leah were so fun to watch they are such a cute couple. The girls loved their new dresses and felt very pretty. It was a long day because we were constantly on the go but everything turned out great. The next day we headed to a Wildlife Zoo with the family and had a great time. The kids loved the animals and running around with their cousins. After the zoo we headed the Adam and Naomi's for the night and had a great time with them. Early Sunday we were on the road again and drove straight home. I thought it would be horrible but the kids did great until we hit Spanish Fork and then they were just ready to get out of the car. We all enjoyed the warmer weather and now have spring fever. The snow can go away for a year and I would be just fine with that.

Golfland

Mia, Harmony, Brynn, and Boston getting ready to golf.

Harmony opening gifts

Wes and Leah

The kids with my grandparents

Steven and I at the reception

My cute kids
Boston and Steven at the zoo

The Zoo