The Polar Express

A few years ago Brittney & I took the girls on the Polar Express up in Heber City. They had a really good time and we had been wanting to take them again but every Christmas since that year Britt was doing chemo and so it wasn't very easy to get out and do it again. The night before Thanksgiving Grandma Nise surprised the kids with tickets for the Polar Express. They were pretty stoked to put on their pyjama's, ride a train and see Santa. It's not the cheapest thing to take your kids to do in the winter, but it's definately something they will remember.

The kids and I survived our first Thanksgiving without Britt. Before we headed over to Bart & Renae's to eat the kids and I stopped by the cemetery to wish Britt a Happy Thanksgiving. It was extremely noticeable and empty without her here this year but it was nice to have all of our family around to help us through the day. I think for the most part the kids are getting use to Britt not being around. Life seems to be normal to them now. As for me, her being gone is painfully obvious everyday especially since we are in the Holiday season and all three of the kids birthday's are coming up.

Tonight the kids and I did what I have been dreading the most since Britt passed away...decorate the house for Christmas. Every year decorating the house was one of the things Britt and I looked forward to the most. We'd pull out all of the Christmas boxes, get some pizza, put on Christmas music and spend the rest of the evening with the kids decorating the house. This has always been my favorite part of Christmas. As I pulled the boxes down tonight I was not wanting to unpack them...partly because Britt always packs the boxes up after Christmas and I have no idea how she makes everything fit back in them...but mainly I just didn't want to look around the house and not see her putting the stockings up. Britt's favorite thing to put up each year is her Nativity sets. A few years ago she got one of the Willow Tree Nativity sets and she absolutely loved it. In fact it usually never came down until around April because she loved having it up so much. Each year she unpacks each piece from its box and is very careful in arranging the scene. It was the one thing I didn't want to pull out tonight but I knew it wouldn't feel right if I left it put away. I got the sense that the kids missed Britt a little more tonight when I pulled the Nativity out. Luckily I had Harmony to help me put it up and arrange the pieces right.

Now if I could only fast forward to March or April and skip the next few months that would be fantastic.....Happy Holidays Britt...we love and miss you.

Happy 30th Britt!!!

11/19/09 - Today is Britt's 30th Birthday. I've been dreading this day since she passed away. I thought for sure she was going to make it to her 30th birthday. This afternoon the entire family gathered around her grave and launched 30 pink balloons. The kids drew pictures and attached letters to the balloons in hopes that they would float up to her in Heaven. It was a really neat experience even though it was extremely emotional for me. After the cemetery we headed over to a new pizza joint in Provo. Britt loved pizza places like this and we thought it was fitting to celebrate her there. I miss you Britt. Hope you liked your party today. And thanks to Kat for taking all the great photos today.

Fall, Fall, Fall

It's been 8.5 weeks now since Britt passed away. The kids and I have been trying to keep as busy as we can, and honestly time is passing by pretty quick which is nice. Each day we seem to adjust a little more to life without her, unfortunately for me that doesn't mean it gets any easier. Dinner time doesn't seem quite so odd anymore and I suppose it will seem more and more normal with just the four of us as time goes on. The kids still ask lots of questions about their mom but they know she's close. For the last five weeks the kids have been begging to go up to Bridal Veil Falls and ride their bike along the trail...we usually go up there in the fall to enjoy the changing leaves. We finally made it up there today and the kids absolutely loved it.

On our way back home we decided to stop by the cemetery. It was the first time we've been out there together since the funeral which was eight weeks ago today. I think we were all a little uncomfortable when we saw her headstone. It's such a surreal experience to actually see her name on the headstone staring back at you. In a lot of ways it still doesn't seem real. I guess people are right when they say time heals the pain, but time definately doesn't heal the loneliness. If anything I'm finding time makes that worse. The kids and I have become a much closer family in these last several weeks and they are really helping me get through the days. Last night I was upstairs reading and they were downstairs watching a movie. At one point all three of them started laughing hysterically. I can't remember the last time I've heard them laugh like that but it was such a great thing to hear. These three kids of ours are so incredibly strong. I look at them everyday and know I can get through the day because of them. It's weird being a single dad of three kids. Now that we have a routine established it can get a little overwhelming to try and do everything for them that they need. So far they haven't complained too much so I guess I'm at least meeting their basic needs. One of the more amazing things I've seen lately is how close they have seemed to get to each other. They still fight and argue here and there, but there is a willingness in each one of them to help one another when they sense the other one having a tough time. My kids are seriously so fantastic. It really is like Britt was split into thirds and Harmony, Brynn, & Boston were created from those parts...they are absolutely their mother...unfortuntately for me they are going to be just as good looking as their mother and that scares the crap out of me.


Halloween - Harmony & Brynn were Gabriella & Sharpay from High School Musical, Boston was a Red Sox player.

The MLB playoffs caused Boston to hit the bottle a litte this year...poor kid.

Don't worry...it was only Apple Beer.

See what I'm talking about...I'm in big trouble.

To most people this picture is nothing special...for those that know my kids and know how terrified they are of ANY animal, know how amazing this picture is.

The Kids at Cornbelly's.

The kids at Squaw Peak.

Bridal Veil Falls.

I Love To See the Temple....

So I've mentioned previously that since Britt passed away the kids and I go walk the Temple grounds each Sunday. Typically we go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple since that's where Britt and I were married and the kids absolutely love it there. I usually like to take my time walking around the Temple just to enjoy it for as long as I can, but lately the kids seem to think it's a race to see how quickly we can get around it and back to the car. It's incredible that the kids find something new about the Temple architecture to be amazed about each week we go. Boston LOVES Angel Moroni at the top of the Temple and the girls love the colors in the window glass and the fact that the windows look like they have holes in them. But every week we are there they seem to find something new to be fascinated with. This week it was the fact that one of the benches around the back side (East side) of the Temple was made lower for 'little' people like them so now their feet could touch the ground when they sit there. We took a few pictures of our visit today. As always the kids and I love the feeling of being there at the Temple. We definately feel closer to Britt when we are.

The Big 30!

Last Wednesday I turned 30. I've never been a big birthday person so I wasn't dreading what everyone seems to consider the dreaded age. I had no idea, but for the last several months Britt had been planning activities to do throughout the whole week for me. Luckily I have 2 great mom's and three great kids that made sure her plans went through.

I got to work early Wednesday morning to find my office space completely decorated...at first I thought it was some of my co-workers then I saw the big sign the girls had made me. It was definately a nice thing to see as I got into work as I was especially missing Britt that morning.

When I woke up that morning I was praying for a little extra strength to get through day. I've had Britt with me on my birthday the last 11 years and I wasn't anxious to have this one without her. My prayers were answered though and I enjoyed a peace and calmness I haven't had since Britt passed away. It stayed with me all day and through the night. That evening I had the pleasure of attending my first parent teacher conferences...Britt always did this before. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

The rest of the week, every night when I would get home there would be a new surprise waiting for me that was '30' of something...licorice, blank cd's, bags of pretzles, etc....The kids really had fun doing this all week and it made me feel really good.

Saturday morning Kaleb and Kat were over in the neighborhood to run a 5k. Afterwards Kaleb asked if I wanted to go hit softballs that afternoon. I'm always up for that so I said yes. As I was waiting for him to come pick me up I went to check the mail and there was a manila envelope in the mailbox from the Utah Department of Health. I knew right away what it was...I had an STD and they were writing to inform me. No, not really...it was Britt's death certificate. Talk about a slap in the face when I saw that...thanks to the state of Utah for making it official. LuckilyKaleb got there a short time after that and we were off to the fields...little did I know I was being setup. We get to the fields and I'm looking out and I said to Kaleb, "what the heck is your dad doing out there," he turned and said "happy surprise birthday party." Then I looked and noticed the whole family was out there. Talk about a great surprise. They had a wiffle ball party planned and it was great. I felt a huge emptiness as I walked out there from the car though...I just kept thinking Britt should really be out here with us. I think she may have been around...but it was such a perfect day that I really missed having her out there to laugh with us all. Here are some of the pictures from the party....

Before Brynn bats she adjusts her cup.

You just know this one is going yard....

Little did I know these last several months up through her last days Britt had been working on a picture book for me that the kids gave me. It was pretty emotional for me to open the book up and see all she had been doing.

And what would a birthday party be without a bunch of white kids hitting a baseball shaped pinata...


Monday night the softball team I play on with Kaleb and Wes continued our tournament play. We were down by 7 runs going into the bottom of the 7th inning. We came within one run when I came to the plate with runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs....seriously...I have never been up to bat with the chance to win the game. As I walked up to the plate I was praying for a hit...first pitch I got I put right into centerfield scoring the two runners to win the game. It was such a fantastic high for me. I had a hard time not looking over at the bleachers full of our fans afterwards...I didn't want to look over and not see Britt cheering over there. She would have been so proud though. The blurry picture below was my big moment....Thanks to all my family for helping me have a great birthday week. It was great to have everyone come out Saturday for some wiffle ball fun. Thanks to both of my moms for all their hard work in helping my kids carry out Britt's plans. And thanks to my love Britt, who even through her sickness wanted to plan a fun 30th birthday for me. Sorry you couldn't be here for it to see all your plans through, but I have a feeling you probably weren't far off.

Has it Really Been a Month?

It's been a month since Brittney passed away. In some ways I seems like it was just yesterday that we were all gathered around the bed as she passed on, and in other ways it seems like it happened so long ago. The kids and I are starting to settle into somewhat of a routine each day. I don't think it's getting easier at all yet for us but I think we're starting to accept it better and the realness of it is starting to set in.

Unfortunately as life without Britt is becoming more of a reality for the kids and I, the loneliness of not having her here each day sets in a little more. Britt always loved to cuddle in the cold months of Fall and Winter. As it's gotten colder lately I've really missed that feeling of her snuggling up to me to keep warm. It's a lot of little things that really make me miss her. I can deal with not having her here for the Holidays (I hope), or vacations and things like that...Right now it's hard to deal with missing all of those little things. I keep hearing it will get better with time and I suppose some things will but I don't think I'll ever adjust to not having her here.

The kids have been a huge source of strength to me, especially lately. They believe with no hesitation that Britt is always somewhere close to us. Since she passed away we've started going to a Temple on Sunday afternoon and walking around the Temple grounds to feel close to Britt. The kids absolutely love being on the Temple grounds on these quiet Sunday afternoons. They are convinced Britt walks with us and I would like to think so as well. Our kids mirror Britt in so many ways. Anyone who knows my kids know how special they are. I'm so blessed to have them here with me still on this earth. Everyday I see them I'm assured that I'll get through these days no matter how hard they seem.

One thing I'll especially miss this October is Britt watching the playoffs with me. Every October since she was diagnosed with Cancer we've watched the Red Sox in the post season together. She never cared a whole lot about the game but she always did it because she knew how much I enjoyed it and how much I loved when she would sit down and watch a game with me. Last night was the first game of the playoffs, and no offense to my pal Jon who watched the game with me, but I definately felt the void of not having Britt there next to me to watch the Sox play. It's those little things that make us so happy. Good thing I still have 3 other little things that continue to make me happy......my kids. I love you Britt. I hope the weather is warmer where you are.

Until We Meet Again.....

I've debated for the last few weeks on what to do with Britt's blog. Today as I was reading the Ensign I came across an article on using these blogs to share church experiences and share the Gospel with others. So, I decided I'd pick up where Britt left off...

First, for those who may not have heard, Brittney passed away on September 9th. Kaleb wrote an amazing tribute to Brittney that can be read here: http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=423832&fh_id=10812&s_id=9996C95F53181221C9A02FAD66637A38

For the last year and a half we've known Brittney would be leaving us before we were ready for her to go. I've spent hours and hours each day during that time imagining what life would be like without her. I never could have imagined it would be this hard to live without her. In the months leading up to her death, the cancer had taken such a brutal toll on her both mentally and physically. The hardest part for me was to feel so helpless all the nights she cried out in pain from her tumors. That Brittney, the Brittney who's quality of life had deteriorated so much, that was the Brittney I was able to let go almost three weeks ago. But as I sit and look at old photos of Britt and read journal entries of hers from days when life was so good and seemed endless, that's the Brittney that I'm having a very difficult time being without.

It's difficult to imagine something more important on the other side of the veil than raising three beautiful children here on earth but I have faith that Brittney was called Home for a truly divine calling. Since her passing I have received emails, cards, phone calls, etc...expressing how deeply Brittney has touched the lives of those around her. I think a good part of Brittney's mission on this earth was to touch those around her that no one else could. I know many years ago I was one of those people.

I can't express in words how much I miss and love my eternal companion Brittney. Some days the grief seems so overwhelming without her here with me. However, I do know Brittney is always close. On many occassions lately, when I've felt I can't go on I have felt her lift me up. I know she's there. I have seen her strength in my three children as we've tried adjusting to life without her. It's difficult not to be able to share the joys of raising our children together. It's difficult not to wake up with her in the mornings and give her a kiss before I leave for work. But as difficult as life seems right now I Know I'll be with her again someday. No thought makes me more happy than to look forward to when I will get to embrace her again and know she is cancer free. I miss Britt every second of every day, and I will do so the rest of my life. But I take such comfort in knowing that my time without her is short. I know because of the Temple we will be together again, and how happy that time will be because we'll never be apart again.

It's a very humbling task to know I've been entrusted with the duty of raising my three children without Brittney here physically. But I know Britt's influence will be just as strong in Harmony, Brynn and Boston's lives as it was when she was here on this earth. As most people around us have come to know we have an amazing support system of family, friends and neighbors. Britt made sure I had this support system in place before she left...she wanted to make sure I wouldn't screw these kids up too bad. In the nearly three weeks since Brittney passed away I have seen a change not only in my life but in my children's lives and the lives of those family members around me. That change has come because of the Christlike example Brittney was throughout her entire life.

I know the work Brittney is doing now is so important. It's difficult to understand it being more important than being with us, but that's mostly just me being selfish. I know Britt is never very far away from us. She left a legacy behind that ranks up there with some of the greatest people who have ever walked this earth. I know no one would argue with that. I miss you Brittney, I love you and I can't wait to see you again. -Love you forever!

March, April, May... Can it Seriously be June?

Well, it has been forever since the blog was updated. So here is the whole low down of March... We girls and Boston went to my mom's to hang out. "The boys" went on their yearly trip to Arizona to watch the MLB spring training games. All of the kids had a blast playing in the beautiful weather at Grandma's. We girls enjoyed the quite house while they were out playing.

April started with me getting sick and all of us thinking it was just a bug and would take a few to get rid of. Instead I ended up at an appointment (at the end of April) and they admitted me to the hospital immediately . My scans were showing fluid all around my heart. They also showed a new spot in my lung. I had been on a trial study which seemed to be going good but with the new spot I will no longer be able to take the trial medicine. I was immediately put in the cardiac lab to drain the fluid in my heart. They drained 9 fl0z almost 1 liter from just my heart. I felt much better right after but I had to stay a couple of days to be watched. Instead I started filling up again and couldn't breath. They took me back in and drained 750 fl oz and then the nurses returned and removed 250 fl oz more that evening. They decided surgery needed to happen ASAP which was scheduled for Saturday which is very abnormal but they wanted it done. That was on Thursday and on Friday my stomach blew up because my kidney and liver weren't working I put on an extreme amount of weight. The kids were asking why I was SO FAT! They took me down and drained my stomach and removed almost five lbs of fluid. Then Saturday morning I was in surgery. They ended up doing a new procedure by putting a drain in my sack around my heart to try and keep it drained. The tube comes out of my stomach and we are supposed to keep it empty. So far the pump seems to be doing its job and if it continues to go good they will pull out the tube. I got home from the hospital and started chemo right up. I was extremely loopy and sick for the first round.

I was sick through Easter but made the most of it. The kids loved coloring Easter eggs and had three egg hunts this year. They got more then enough candy.

I made it through Mother's Day weekend which was an answer to my prayers. (I was really sick and in a lot of pain.) We were able to attend Race for a Cure for the fourth year. Every year more of my family has joined us in the race. This year Leah, Candace, Mike, and their kids joined us along with Denise and Nicole. It was hard on me not being able to walk this year. I hate having to be in a wheelchair but I made it. Thank you to all of my family for coming out and supporting me. We had a great walk and then went to Jim's Family Restaurant for breakfast. During my break from chemo I still struggled with side affects.


Brynn finished preschool and can't wait for kindergarten. Harmony finished the first grade and is excited to move on but will miss her teacher so much. She has had a wonderful positive year. On the last day of school the neighborhood had a big party at the park with food and water fun. The kids loved it! They are loving being outside nonstop. Always wanting to ride their bikes or be in the sprinklers. Steven is still watching his Red Sox play every chance he gets. I am still just hanging in there. I have just started my second round of this chemo and so far so good. Hopefully it will stay this way. My hair is gone AGAIN! Steven and the kids shaved it. When Boston was taking his turn he got a big smile on his face and said, "mom a boy" and then just started giggling. After I was done Boston cut his hair. If you ask him who he cut his hair like he will quickly tell you "my mom". This has been an extremely long blog but for all of you complaining I haven't updated hopefully this helps. Have a great day!

Harmony's Birthday and Arizona

I wasn't sure we were going to make it to Arizona with Steven and Brynn both sick but luckily their antibiotics kicked in and we where able to head down for my brother's wedding. It was a long drive but caravaning with three other cars made it interesting to say the least and the kids did great. It was Harmony's birthday the day we arrived so we went to Golfland to celebrate. We miniature golfed, played arcades, and ate pizza. I think Harmony had a good time she hadn't been too excited about being somewhere else on her birthday. The next day was the wedding. It was great to be there together as a family in the Mesa temple. My grandparents also came down and my grandpa performed the sealing. Wes and Leah were so fun to watch they are such a cute couple. The girls loved their new dresses and felt very pretty. It was a long day because we were constantly on the go but everything turned out great. The next day we headed to a Wildlife Zoo with the family and had a great time. The kids loved the animals and running around with their cousins. After the zoo we headed the Adam and Naomi's for the night and had a great time with them. Early Sunday we were on the road again and drove straight home. I thought it would be horrible but the kids did great until we hit Spanish Fork and then they were just ready to get out of the car. We all enjoyed the warmer weather and now have spring fever. The snow can go away for a year and I would be just fine with that.

Golfland

Mia, Harmony, Brynn, and Boston getting ready to golf.

Harmony opening gifts

Wes and Leah

The kids with my grandparents

Steven and I at the reception

My cute kids
Boston and Steven at the zoo

The Zoo

My Uncle Nick

I was driving home from work Thursday evening and just as I was getting off the freeway exit I received a phone call from my mom. She called to let me know that my Uncle Nick had passed away that day. Wow, what a complete and unexpected shock. My Uncle Nick Drakulich was diagnosed with cancer back around November, it was some kind of tumor under his tongue but I'm not sure what kind of cancer it was considered. He started chemotherapy and radiation in January and the prognosis seemed extremely hopeful and the most likely outcome seemed to be that this would be cured without many complications. Unfortunately as I have come to know all too well, nothing is very easy when chemo is involved. I'm still not sure what exactly caused his passing but it's a very surreal thing. I didn't know my Uncle Nick very well...in fact I can probably count all the times I spent with him on one hand. But all the memories I have of him are happy and memories I'm glad to have. We were able to vistit Nick & Elaine this summer as we made our way to Seattle. I'm now very grateful that my kids got to meet Nick and even play with him a little bit for the short time we were there.

Death isn't something I've had to deal with many times in my life. Mainly just my Grandpa Drakulich and my baseball coach growing up. As Britt and I sat talking the night we found out about Nick it definately brought us back to reality a little bit with regards to how serious cancer and its treatment methods can be. As for my Uncle Nick, we will miss you and I hope Heaven has some good fly fishing for you.

Where did January go?

I can't believe it is already February. I thought I would give a quick update on what we were up to for the month of January. On January 1st we celebrated Brynn's 5th birthday. She was really excited and suddenly thought of herself as much older now that she is 5. The kids played in the snow and made a snowman. The girls spent a lot of time playing with their friend Claire. Steven and I took in a Jazz game and thanks a TON to Melissa for watching the kids. Other then starting on a trial study instead of chemo for now and a few doctor appointments the month has just flown by with the everyday things. I will hopefully do a better job in February keeping up to date.

Brynn opening her many presents.

Brynn with her princess cake. (What a headache.)

Boston and Brynn playing in the snow.

Harmony, Brynn, and Claire having fun.

Our Christmas!

We had a blast this Christmas watching the kids so full of excitement. I had been off of chemo for a couple of weeks so it was nice to feel good for the holidays. It was also a lot of fun having our first Christmas in our house. Steven did a great job decorating the house.

Harmony, Brynn, and Boston in their new pajamas on Christmas Eve.

Harmony with her fun new toys.

Brynn showing off her stuff from Santa.

Boston loving his "Buzz" that Santa brought him.

Happy Birthday Boston!

Guess who turned 2 yesterday......

This guy.....

Yesterday was Boston's birthday. We had a nice little family party for him, which he thoroughly enjoyed.

Christmas Decorating

Well, it's that time of year again. Christmas decorations. We don't do any decorating before Thanksgiving, but the day after the girls were begging to decorate the house. Saturday night we went over to Mom's house so the kids could help set up the tree.

I'm not sure if Harmony wanted her picture taken here or not...

Britt's Birthday!

I appears Britt has taken a blogging sabbatical so I guess I'll continue to provide updates here until she gets back. November 19th was Britt's 29th birthday. We got to spend a nice evening away from the kids with dinner and a movie. I can't remember the last time we got to enjoy an nice evening out together. I also had a surprise party planned for her that Friday at MyNoahs in Lindon. Ever since we got married Britt has been wanting me to throw her a kegger like she use to have in college. I figured with all the crap she's been through this year it was the least I could do for her. Needless to say she enjoyed her 'happy lemondae' all night long. It wasn't an easy thing to keep secret but we managed to keep her in the dark and it all turned out really well.

All of our sibblings and parents were able to be there and we enjoyed partying late into the night.

Boston getting his first pool lesson from Grandpa.The happy lemonade was obviously affecting Mike.The Ben Man spreading his man love to Wes.




Why do I look slightly interested in this proposition.Happy 29th Britt. I love you...and just in case anyone is confused, there was no alcohol served at this party.