Sunday, October 18, 2009

I Love To See the Temple....

So I've mentioned previously that since Britt passed away the kids and I go walk the Temple grounds each Sunday. Typically we go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple since that's where Britt and I were married and the kids absolutely love it there. I usually like to take my time walking around the Temple just to enjoy it for as long as I can, but lately the kids seem to think it's a race to see how quickly we can get around it and back to the car. It's incredible that the kids find something new about the Temple architecture to be amazed about each week we go. Boston LOVES Angel Moroni at the top of the Temple and the girls love the colors in the window glass and the fact that the windows look like they have holes in them. But every week we are there they seem to find something new to be fascinated with. This week it was the fact that one of the benches around the back side (East side) of the Temple was made lower for 'little' people like them so now their feet could touch the ground when they sit there. We took a few pictures of our visit today. As always the kids and I love the feeling of being there at the Temple. We definately feel closer to Britt when we are.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Big 30!

Last Wednesday I turned 30. I've never been a big birthday person so I wasn't dreading what everyone seems to consider the dreaded age. I had no idea, but for the last several months Britt had been planning activities to do throughout the whole week for me. Luckily I have 2 great mom's and three great kids that made sure her plans went through.

I got to work early Wednesday morning to find my office space completely first I thought it was some of my co-workers then I saw the big sign the girls had made me. It was definately a nice thing to see as I got into work as I was especially missing Britt that morning.

When I woke up that morning I was praying for a little extra strength to get through day. I've had Britt with me on my birthday the last 11 years and I wasn't anxious to have this one without her. My prayers were answered though and I enjoyed a peace and calmness I haven't had since Britt passed away. It stayed with me all day and through the night. That evening I had the pleasure of attending my first parent teacher conferences...Britt always did this before. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

The rest of the week, every night when I would get home there would be a new surprise waiting for me that was '30' of something...licorice, blank cd's, bags of pretzles, etc....The kids really had fun doing this all week and it made me feel really good.

Saturday morning Kaleb and Kat were over in the neighborhood to run a 5k. Afterwards Kaleb asked if I wanted to go hit softballs that afternoon. I'm always up for that so I said yes. As I was waiting for him to come pick me up I went to check the mail and there was a manila envelope in the mailbox from the Utah Department of Health. I knew right away what it was...I had an STD and they were writing to inform me. No, not was Britt's death certificate. Talk about a slap in the face when I saw that...thanks to the state of Utah for making it official. LuckilyKaleb got there a short time after that and we were off to the fields...little did I know I was being setup. We get to the fields and I'm looking out and I said to Kaleb, "what the heck is your dad doing out there," he turned and said "happy surprise birthday party." Then I looked and noticed the whole family was out there. Talk about a great surprise. They had a wiffle ball party planned and it was great. I felt a huge emptiness as I walked out there from the car though...I just kept thinking Britt should really be out here with us. I think she may have been around...but it was such a perfect day that I really missed having her out there to laugh with us all. Here are some of the pictures from the party....

Before Brynn bats she adjusts her cup.

You just know this one is going yard....

Little did I know these last several months up through her last days Britt had been working on a picture book for me that the kids gave me. It was pretty emotional for me to open the book up and see all she had been doing.

And what would a birthday party be without a bunch of white kids hitting a baseball shaped pinata...

Monday night the softball team I play on with Kaleb and Wes continued our tournament play. We were down by 7 runs going into the bottom of the 7th inning. We came within one run when I came to the plate with runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs....seriously...I have never been up to bat with the chance to win the game. As I walked up to the plate I was praying for a hit...first pitch I got I put right into centerfield scoring the two runners to win the game. It was such a fantastic high for me. I had a hard time not looking over at the bleachers full of our fans afterwards...I didn't want to look over and not see Britt cheering over there. She would have been so proud though. The blurry picture below was my big moment....Thanks to all my family for helping me have a great birthday week. It was great to have everyone come out Saturday for some wiffle ball fun. Thanks to both of my moms for all their hard work in helping my kids carry out Britt's plans. And thanks to my love Britt, who even through her sickness wanted to plan a fun 30th birthday for me. Sorry you couldn't be here for it to see all your plans through, but I have a feeling you probably weren't far off.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Has it Really Been a Month?

It's been a month since Brittney passed away. In some ways I seems like it was just yesterday that we were all gathered around the bed as she passed on, and in other ways it seems like it happened so long ago. The kids and I are starting to settle into somewhat of a routine each day. I don't think it's getting easier at all yet for us but I think we're starting to accept it better and the realness of it is starting to set in.

Unfortunately as life without Britt is becoming more of a reality for the kids and I, the loneliness of not having her here each day sets in a little more. Britt always loved to cuddle in the cold months of Fall and Winter. As it's gotten colder lately I've really missed that feeling of her snuggling up to me to keep warm. It's a lot of little things that really make me miss her. I can deal with not having her here for the Holidays (I hope), or vacations and things like that...Right now it's hard to deal with missing all of those little things. I keep hearing it will get better with time and I suppose some things will but I don't think I'll ever adjust to not having her here.

The kids have been a huge source of strength to me, especially lately. They believe with no hesitation that Britt is always somewhere close to us. Since she passed away we've started going to a Temple on Sunday afternoon and walking around the Temple grounds to feel close to Britt. The kids absolutely love being on the Temple grounds on these quiet Sunday afternoons. They are convinced Britt walks with us and I would like to think so as well. Our kids mirror Britt in so many ways. Anyone who knows my kids know how special they are. I'm so blessed to have them here with me still on this earth. Everyday I see them I'm assured that I'll get through these days no matter how hard they seem.

One thing I'll especially miss this October is Britt watching the playoffs with me. Every October since she was diagnosed with Cancer we've watched the Red Sox in the post season together. She never cared a whole lot about the game but she always did it because she knew how much I enjoyed it and how much I loved when she would sit down and watch a game with me. Last night was the first game of the playoffs, and no offense to my pal Jon who watched the game with me, but I definately felt the void of not having Britt there next to me to watch the Sox play. It's those little things that make us so happy. Good thing I still have 3 other little things that continue to make me kids. I love you Britt. I hope the weather is warmer where you are.